I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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