Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
