my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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