would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
