I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
