Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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