I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
