There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
