Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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