i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
