Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
