I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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