I should be sponsored by Trojan
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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