The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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