Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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