I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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