Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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