Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We just shotgunned beers for America
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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