just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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