Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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