3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
