Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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