upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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