I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
