fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
