do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
