I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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