69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
