What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
