Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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