shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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