My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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