I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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