I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize