i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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