I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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