Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
