Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
