Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
