im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
