just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
