I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
