Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
