I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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