I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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