last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
