I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
