Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
