Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
