its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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