I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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