So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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