My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
