I'm lost and stupid without you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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