Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
two words...techno handjob
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
