i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
