I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
