Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
