if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
