Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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